sometimes i really do wonder.....

part of me wonders sometimes if i'm what you would call 'normal'..

i mean, if you look at it on paper i'm an odd kind of creature,

i used to be a gothicy type fashionista, have a penchant for
nights out and expensive corsets, i did modelling for gothy magazines and alternative clothing labels, i sang in a band, (i also sang in the school choir but don't tell anyone!)
i had money and a life and i loved to spend it on frivolities like make up and my first flat in the poshest bit of town (rented, but MY OWN SPACE)

then something happened,i now live in shoeburyness, the really icky bit of the world near to southend-on-sea, somewhere that 5 years ago i would never have dreamed of passing through, let alone living...
the whole place is full of mainly morons and parents who don’t deserve to keep plants let alone children.
i feel like a complete outcast as i don’t want my children influenced by them or let them witness some of the parents behaviour, let alone the childrens!

i do not seem to fit into any sort of social catagory -
too green for ‘normal’ consumerist people, too ‘consumerist normal’ for greenies!

i cant work out how i am supposed to live the life i want to without becoming some kind of social recluse!

i use ‘proper’ nappies, eco-balls, and try to re-cycle as much as i can, and most of the time i get the piss taken out of me for doing so,

i go into charity shops and see what was a £200 corset for sale for £10 and my buying finger twitches, not so i can try to get what was once a perfect 8 back inside it, no, but instead to auction it off on ebay so i can buy nappies, or tiny dungarees, or the latest whatever it may be that my child has decided is flavour of the month....

then i catch myself in the shop mirror, my greasy hair is like a bird's nest, the jeans i'm wearing haven't been washed since last week, or was it the week before? my husband's baggy t shirt that i'm wearing shows only the hint of another baby bump, i have babysick down my shoulder....

i'm not that gothic girl anymore, i don't long for the things she once had, i am fulfilled now, my life has meaning, i do the things i do for my children, because i love them and want to give them the best start i can in this cruel world.

i smile at my reflection, content with the inner peace i've made with myself, happy that the girl i used to be is now more like a girl i knew once, i am pleased with the transition, i stand up tall, i hold my head high, and i ignore the whining that is coming from the toddler holding onto the pram, i take my strides with pride, I AM A MOTHER, AND I AM MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.

my confidence is strong, as i walk down the crowded street, in the mean time i now have a toddler who has wet himself, and i realise i also have toilet roll stuck to the bottom of my shoe.....

oh well you win some you lose some....